Oppenheimer

I

Ask Ingwon about a Dutch oven, and you might expect a culinary tangent. What you get instead is a deeply specific, profoundly sympathetic, and entirely global update on his brother’s intestinal situation. His brother, Dagwon, Ingwon explains, has what he delicately terms “a massive uh fart problem.”

It’s not just a minor annoyance; it’s a full-blown life impediment. So severe, in fact, that Ingwon believes Dagwon is "effectively closeted and he can't really come out and be himself" because of it. This, he notes, is precisely what’s preventing him from getting married. The fear, apparently, is that his girlfriend might discover the truly toxic nature of his emissions.

II

Dagwon’s situation is no laughing matter to Ingwon, even as he describes it with an almost clinical precision that makes it utterly absurd. His farts, he declares, “are the equivalent of a nuclear weapon.” He's not just holding it in; he's actively trying to outmaneuver his own biology. He’s gone to great lengths, beyond mere diet and exercise, to address the issue.

He maintains an "intensely private medical history," but Ingwon knows he's seen specialists up and down the West Coast. More tellingly, he frequently travels to Brazil, not for the beaches, but because they have doctors who specialize in, well, flatulence. This is a man truly committed to his cause, willing to cross continents for relief.

III

Despite these international consultations, breakthroughs have been sparse. Ingwon shakes his head. "Well, not really," he says of his progress. The problem remains so acute that Daegwon can’t even afford to relieve himself discreetly indoors. "He has to leave his office building and go outside and fart." It's treated like a designated smoking area, a mandatory outdoor break, but for an entirely different kind of vapor.

Ingwon sees the humor in it, of course, but also the underlying tragedy. Dagwon isn't just dealing with an embarrassing condition; he's living a life dictated by his bodily functions, caught in an endless, global quest for relief. It’s funny because it’s so specific and so true, but also because, underneath it all, it’s just not great.